Dopey J/B Smut: Anal-Retentive (R)

[arrow00]

Title: Anal-Retentive
Author: arrow00
Pairing: Jim/Blair
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Blair responds.
Now with podfic read by kalakirya!
Notes: This is a sorta sequel thing to Daily Atrocities


Signal Markers of Anal-Retentiveness in the Modern-Day Sentinel
(An Annotated Compendium)

by Dr. Blair Sandburg, Ph.D.

Researcher notes that Subject, a forty year-old white male with hypersensitivity, exhibits marked behaviors of anal-retentive syndrome. To wit:


• Subject files his nails after trimming them.
  
• Enjoys puerile fart humor.
  
• Squeezes toothpaste from the bottom of the tube. (Who does that?)
  
• Gets grumpy if someone borrows his robe and returns it after their shower.
  
• Owns at least three dust-busters, one for upstairs and two for downstairs.
  
• Wears only white, all-cotton socks (and bleaches them if they get the tiniest bit pink because of some inexplicable laundry mix-up.)
  
• Refuses to engage in bowel movement if anyone else is present in apartment.
  
• Was a bed wetter as a small boy. [Subject's response: This is a lie.]
  
• Spends a little too much time cleaning his gun. (Overuse of gun oil possibly explains frequent "slippage.") [Subject: Bite me, Sandburg.]
  
• Will swipe your half-empty cup of coffee and dump it out to wash the cup, afterward asking speciously, "Oh, weren't you done with that?"
  
• Obsessively waxes and shines his vehicle, dubbed "Sweetheart." [Subject: You're just jealous.]
  [Researcher: Wax this.]
  [Subject: Thought that's what I did last night.]
  
• Really, really loves having his asshole played with. [Subject: Yep.]
  
• Won't do me bareback. [Subject: You have any idea how many blood transfusions I've had? I can't put you at risk, babe.]
  
• Won't say "I love you," unless he whispers it in the dark. [Subject: On paper then, I love you, you schmuck.]
  [Researcher: Ditto. Sweetheart.]
  
• Three words: color-coded Tupperware [Subject: That's two words, Darwin. One's a compound.]
  [Researcher: Q.E.D.]
  

.....................
2007.07.26

(Note: The prequel to this is Daily Atrocities.)