Dopey piece of J/B smut: Daily Atrocities (NC-17)

[arrow00]

Title: Daily Atrocities
Author: arrow00
Pairing: Jim/Blair
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Jim is annoyed.
Now with podfic read by kalakirya!
Notes: Has a sorta sequel: Anal-retentive.

Daily Atrocities Perpetrated by Blair Sandburg

(The Abridged List)

As Compiled and Edited by Det. James Ellison, C.P.D.

1. Forgets his shoes in the entryway.
   
2. Borrows my razor so I end up getting nicks.
   
3. Mixes colors with the whites.
   
4. Always leaves three (3) swampy, stinking towels on bathroom floor in the morning.
   
5. Flushes toilet repeatedly at 9:59 p.m., "In order to make a point."
   
6. Buys granola-ass "organic substitute" for Frosted Flakes. Claims it's "Just as good as that processed stuff." [Editor's Note: This is a lie.]
   
7. Wears boots that leave black skid marks on hardwood floor.
   
8. Squeezes toothpaste from the middle of the tube. Says it "Tastes better than squeezing from the end," which makes no goddamned sense.
   
9. Two words: back rent
   
10. Slips seitan into stir-fry and thinks the Sentinel in the house won't fucking notice that it's not real beef.
    
11. Puts little notes in the memo lines of checks, e.g., "Dear Gas&Electric Monopoly, thank you for taking my hard-earned cash so your company can continue strip mining in the Appalachians." [Ed. Note: Try fitting that in the register.]
    
12. Licks his lower lip repeatedly for no apparent reason, causing me to have uncomfortable reactions in the bullpen. (Corollary: stares at my crotch and raises his eyebrow so I'll know he's been doing it on purpose.)
    
13. Makes us stay late in the office so he can finish his game of Free Cell.
    
14. Refuses to settle for quickie by the door.
    
15. Won't walk naked so I can watch his butt going from the shower to the bedroom.
    
16. Wears too many layers so it takes too long to strip him for sex.
    
17. Refuses to replace the cap on the lube.
    
18. Always squirms so hard when I'm fucking him that I have to nail that tight ass down to the bed until he screams and comes and finally goes limp so I can settle down and do him properly.
    
19. Catches me later when I'm on my belly and works his tongue up my ass even though he knows it'll make me come so hard I can't move afterward so I end up with spunk flaking all over my stomach the next morning which I don't need to tell you itches something fierce when you have sensitive skin.
    
20. Makes me need him like I've never needed anybody.
    
21. Tells me he loves me.
    
22. Tells me he'll never leave me.
    
23. Always kisses the side of my face just as I'm falling asleep.
    

.....................
2007.06.19

(Note: the sorta sequel to this is Anal-Retentive.)

Comments

[andeincascade.livejournal.com]

These are all great but number 5 made me snort so loudly I scared the dog! I'm so glad you are writing in our fandom. Yay!

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

Man, those are the kind of words a writer just melts to hear. (Not the part about the poor dog.)

Thank you.

[bluebrocade.livejournal.com]

Haha + Awwwwww! ♥

[sidra]

*grin*

very nice transitions from funny to hot to sweet

[t-verano.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah. Loving these! Don't even want to try to pick favorites (except 5 and 11 and... okay, everything after 11. Totally.)

::hugs all the bothered and hot and just-right amount of melt of this::

Daily Atrocities

[ponders-life.livejournal.com]

I had the same reaction to number 11! And "awww'd" at the end.

Thanks, Ms. Arrow, for starting off my day with a smile!

[spikedluv]

Oh, man! I laughed, and then I was sniffling. Those are great and funny and lovely and sweet! And I loved Jim's editorial comments. *g*

[karieflybabe.livejournal.com]

Dear Jim,

Sweetie... those last, oh I dunno, 12 problems? I think they can more or less be ignored, don't you? I mean, Babe... he has his tongue up your ass and, I dunno about you, but I'm a bit jealous! Gods, but that must feel good!

LMAO!

Love Karie!

[viciouscats.livejournal.com]

Funny and sweet! :)

[janedavitt.livejournal.com]

I love this so much. First I'm giggling and then oh, look, I start to feel slightly... warm... and then, yep, I'm melted mush and getting misty-eyed.

Oh, that Blair...:;shakes head fondly:;

[spuffyduds.livejournal.com]

Poor, poor itchy-skinned boy. Your life is positively Dickensian.

Excellent!

[snailbones.livejournal.com]

So cute - and that last one just made me go all 'Ahhhhh'. Thanks!

[sassyinkpen.livejournal.com]

Hee!! Oh man, I love this so much. Especially #11, and the Ed. Note to #6. Great job!!

[snycock.livejournal.com]

LOL! Very funny! And those last four just made me melt...I can just see Jim starting out writing this in a righteous snit, and then having it all dissolve into tenderness as he realizes what Blair means to him...

[betagoddess.livejournal.com]

Cute! Funny! Nice read!

Thanks! *g*

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

:o + :)

Re: Daily Atrocities

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

Thank you, P.L. :) Just what I was hoping for.

God, these guys crack me up. I watched the ep last night where Jim is packing up all of Sandburg's stuff and waving the African mask around.

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

Awesome, thanks. :)

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

::grins maniacally:: Thanks, my sweet. I had a gas writing it.

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

::grins:: Thanks. He's such a *pain*. But a good pain, I hope.

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

Dear Ms. Flybabe:

You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but have you ever woken up with your belly glued to the sheets?

Yrs most sincerely, etc.

:)

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

:) I love that combo. Happens more in dS fic, I've noticed.

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

::yays:

I think Blair might have a rebuttal. So to speak.

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

! ! ! hahaha you made me snorfle.

Thank you, spuffy.

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

:) We aim to mush.

[janedavitt.livejournal.com]

::anticipates muchly::

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

I have to admit the Ed. Note on #6 is my proudest bit. He's just SO cranky.

Thx, sassy.

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

There's no escape. Poor silly Jim.

Thanks. :)

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

:) Thanks, B.G.

[laurie-ky.livejournal.com]

I can just see Blair blowing a raspberry at the first part of the list and getting a lump in his throat for the ending.
Funny, touching, and hot.
Laurie

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I have a feeling Blair will have a thing or two to say on the matter. :)

Thanks, Laurie.

[ramkat.livejournal.com]

Great stuff. Made me smile, laugh, disagree and agree with, sometimes at the same time:-) Thanks.

Love your icon - that made me laugh as well.

[rose7.livejournal.com]

This was wonderful. Totally adorable list. I enjoyed Jim's complaints very much. Thank you.

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

Hee. Thanks.

The icon is from sara_merry99 : here (http://sara-merry99.livejournal.com/159579.html).

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

:) He's soooo grumpy.

Daily Atrocities

[(Anonymous)]

Will are you going to write a part 2 of this in Blair's p.o.v.?

[roslynsmuse.livejournal.com]

Just starting to read your work - what a great beginning! Loved the progression here. Not that I'm nagging for a sequel or anything like that.

Really.

Not.

:-}

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I hope you enjoy the others. And thanks for the reminder...I went and did a sorta sequel: Anal-Retentive (http://arrow00.livejournal.com/11904.html).

I was kind of putting it off because I couldn't figure a Blair angle. Not sure if I did it justice.

[iadorespike]

*hugs this list*

I started out with a giggle, moved on to cackling, started getting a little *hot* and I totally ended up a puddle of goo from the *awwwww, so sweet*. Loved this soooooo much. :)

*hugs you tight*

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Oh, I hadn't seen this one before!

11# Puts little notes in the memo lines of checks, e.g., "Dear Gas&Electric Monopoly, thank you for taking my hard-earned cash so your company can continue strip mining in the Appalachians."

YES OMG you know those people too, huh? kjadf;;jkladjklf

(Corollary: stares at my crotch and raises his eyebrow so I'll know he's been doing it on purpose.)

Heh, totally.

which I don't need to tell you itches something fierce when you have sensitive skin.

Hee! Yeah, oh, Jim suffers.

[arrow00.livejournal.com]

hey Joan:

somehow I missed this comment. and bumming about it, because you are the sweetest.

poor suffering woobie, all sticky. *pets him with damp cloth*
his live is *very* hard.

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Aw, I figured you'd just overlooked it!

I'm not particularly sweet actually -- I just really like your fic. *g*